Jasper and Emmett's Offical Cullen Annoyance Guide
by El Leon Y La Oveja
Summary: When you don't eat or sleep, it leaves you a lot of spare time. Some vampires study, some compose music and Jasper and Emmett annoy their family. Manipulating the emotions of others can be used for fun too... RATED M FOR SOME SEXUAL HUMOUR
1. Jasper Vs Edward

**Jasper POV**

"Jasper Whitlock Hale, get downstairs NOW!"

There was no need for Rosalie to scream, I could have heard her even if she had whispered but I guessed that she was emphasising her fury. Trying to withhold my laughter, I strolled casually into the lounge.

"JASPER!" Rosalie screamed at me. "DO SOMETHING!"

It took me a few seconds to confirm the source of her anger and then a few more moments to admire my handiwork. Edward was being restrained by Alice and it appeared as though he was trying to jump on Rosalie. I couldn't hold my snort of laughter in after that.

"Something the matter, Rose?" I asked innocently. She snarled at me.

"This little stunt has emotion manipulation written ALL OVER IT!" I pretended to look confused.

"Not quite sure what you want me to do, Rose." Edward struggled against Alice's grip, leaning his head towards Rosalie's face. She backed away, glaring at me. If looks could kill...

"Stop sending him lust, Jasper!" Rosalie whined. "It's not funny!" I smirked.

"I disagree!" I howled with laughter as Edward began to lick his lips.

"Jasper, if you don't stop this RIGHT NOW, I'm going to tell Carlisle when he gets home!" I growled. Did she always have to play the Carlisle card so early on in my fun and games?

"Fine," I muttered. "Be a spoilsport." I replaced the waves of lust with calm and Edward stopped trying to grab Rosalie. He scowled.

"Jasper, I thought we agreed that you weren't going to do that anymore." I shrugged.

"Excuse me for accidentally sending you my lust. I'll just save it all for Alice next time." Alice winked at me and came over to hold my hand.

"You do that," she grinned. "Oh, Edward, I'd calm down if I were you, Bella's coming over in five minutes." I exchanged a glance with Alice.

"Hey Edward, you need any help with that calming down thing?" I offered, with anything but calm on my mind. But unfortunately, he read my thoughts.

"Keep your emotions away from me!" Edward shouted as he walked over to the front door.

"Hmmm," I whispered to Alice. "He never said anything about Bella though, did he?"


	2. Human Experimentation

**Jasper POV**

As soon as Bella walked through the front door, she burst into tears. Edward pulled her on to the sofa frantically. It was amazing, having someone to play with who could actually cry. It opened up my opportunities so much.

"Bella? Bella, sweetheart, what's wrong?" I sent a carefully concocted mix of distress and resent at Bella. She turned away from Edward, apparently annoyed at him as her hysteria continued. He looked utterly bemused. I was deliberately singing Barbie Girl in my head to keep him out. Everyone knew how much Edward hated that song.

_You can brush my hair_

_Undress me everywhere..._

"Jasper? A little help?" Edward turned to me. I bit my lip to stop the laughter from spilling out. Rosalie had already buried her face in a pillow to stop Edward from figuring it out when he saw her cracking up.

_Come on Barbie, let's go party..._

"I don't know, Edward...she seems pretty upset..."

_Uh, uh, uh, yeah_

_Come on Barbie..._

"Why are you singing Barbie Girl in your thoughts?" Edward asked. Oh crap, if he'd realised what I was doing...

Time to turn on the charm, Bella. I threw waves of lust at her and seconds later, she had twisted into Edward's lap.

"You sexy vampire," she purred, as she attempted to kiss him. Edward was looking more than stunned now. I snorted once and then bit my lip again. Rosalie was creeping upstairs in hysterics. Bella licked her lips seductively and tried to push Edward down until they were both lying on the sofa.

"I want you right here, right now," Bella growled. Hmmm. I'd never seen that side of her before. Edward-the-one-hundred-year-old-virgin sat up and looked straight at me. Oops. Thoughts.

"JASPER!" he roared at me. "Stop that NOW!" I looked up at the ceiling and began to whistle innocently. Edward growled and bared his teeth at me. I rolled my eyes and sighed. Some people just couldn't take a joke.

"Sorry about that," Bella blushed about fifty shades of red. "I...don't know what came over me." Edward shot me another glare and Bella followed his gaze.

"Oh!" she realised. "Jasper!"

Wait, that wasn't Emmett and Rosalie upstairs...? Perfect!


	3. Turning Emmett Off

**Jasper POV**

Three, two, one...action.

Right on cue, I heard Rosalie scream from her bedroom.

"Emmett, this is not funny!" Alice and I would have had tears of laughter running down our faces if we could cry.

"Emmett, come on, be serious!" Rosalie was getting frustrated. I couldn't hear Emmett's muffled reply. I could guess what he was saying though.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'YOU CAN'T'?" Rosalie screeched. I could practically hear her brain ticking. I waited, doubled up in silent laughter. "JASPER BLOODY WHITLOCK, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Alice nudged me between her fits of giggles.

"Rose is coming downstairs in a minute. And she's not wearing much..."

I heard the kitchen door fly open and then I saw Rosalie standing in the doorway, hands on hips, wearing a few strategically placed pieces of lace. Alice smirked.

"Nice outfit, Rose." Rosalie hissed through her teeth.

"Hey, Alice?" she said sweetly.

"Yes?" Alice answered, just as sweetly.

"SHUT UP!" she screamed. Then she turned to me, with an evil glare in her eyes.

"Jasper, you know Emmett, don't you?"

"I believe I do."

"When he's back to normal without your...influences, he's more than capable of kicking your butt." Rosalie's eyes travelled over my face maliciously. "I'd hate for him to add another scar to your face...or rip off your head."

"I'll tell you what she's planning," Alice whispered in my ear. It was at that moment that Esme walked in through the front door. Excellent. It was about to get interesting.

Esme dropped the vase that she was holding when she caught sight of Rosalie's outfit.

"Rose...dear, what...what are...you wearing?" I snorted and Esme shot me a disapproving look.

"Esme, can you PLEASE ask Jasper to stop interfering with everyone's emotions? He's been driving us crazy ALL DAY." Unseen to Esme, Rosalie stuck her tongue out at me. Esme's disapproval increased.

"Jasper, I thought we spoke about this," Esme reprimanded me. "What happened, Rose dear?"

"He got Edward to flirt with me! And Emmett and I were going to have...some alone time but Jasper...turned Emmett off! It was completely unfair!"

Turned Emmett off! I exploded with laughter at that point and it was probably a good thing that I couldn't breathe because I wouldn't have been able to. I didn't see why Rosalie had to censor her speech in front of Esme whenever she wanted something. She never usually bothered. And I noticed that she hadn't bothered telling Esme about Bella. Clearly, human experimentation was not as severe in Rosalie's eyes.

Then, a thought occurred to me. If I was already in trouble, what could it hurt to postpone it for a while? I quickly let waves of boredom wash over Esme. She blinked once or twice.

"So? What do you want me to do about it? You spend half your life whining, Rosalie. It's no wonder that Emmett's not animated around you."

Rosalie's mouth dropped open and she wheeled around to glare daggers at me. Maybe looks could kill.

"CARLISLE!" Rosalie yelled, at the top of her lungs. Oh damn...


	4. Humiliation Station

**Author's note: WARNING. SOME SEXUAL REFERENCES. **

**Emmett POV**

Just about the most interesting class at Forks High School. Sex education. And as usual, there was only one Cullen who even needed to take this class. The one-hundred-year-old-virgin-vampire, aka Edward was sitting at the desk in front of me, beside Bella. Excellent. That should provide some entertainment as Mr Banner attempted to teach a group of young adults about sex.

The man himself entered the classroom at that point, clearly embarrassed about what he had to do. I wondered how the staff chose who'd have to teach sex education that year. Mr Banner had obviously picked the short straw. He cleared his throat hesitantly.

"Ok, I'm sure that you all know why we're here today," he began. "There comes a point in every student's life when they need to start thinking about...relationships." I suppressed laughter. Of course, he wasn't going to utter the Big S such a short way into the lesson. I hoped that he wasn't just going to stick to the safe, biology side of things. If so, I was definitely going to be asking him explicit questions. Upon hearing that in my mind, Edward span around to glare at me. He was facing forward again before any of the humans had noticed, even Bella. I noticed that she was sitting further from him that usual, a permanent blush on her cheeks. I had to get Mr Banner to ask them questions. But how? Sitting just across the isle from me was Jasper. I could use that to my advantage.

"I'm going to start by playing a video to remind you all of some of the basic information that we'll be looking at during these lessons." I rolled my eyes. Typical biology teachers. Too afraid to jump in at the deep end so they resorted to the video method. I felt like shoving up my hand and offering to take the lesson myself. The students at Forks High School would be, without a doubt, be the most informed in the state but it was likely that I would be expelled before I could reveal anything that I would consider appropriate. Rosalie deliberately yawned as the video started.

"_This A-Z of sex programme attempts to get across some basic information to students. Whether you've had a lot of experience or no experience, this video will hopefully be informative for everyone."_

Alice, Jasper, Rosalie and I all rolled our eyes. I highly doubted that there was anything that this tame high school video could teach me. Even Edward probably wouldn't learn anything new and that was saying something. I didn't even know if Edward knew what went where. Feeling very sorry for poor Bella, I turned my attention to 'A'.

"_A is for abstinence. This is a term usually connected to someone who refrains from having sex." _

All four of the Cullens muttered 'Edward' under their breaths. Bella's ears turned bright red and Edward turned around, once more, to glare at me. I shrugged innocently and jerked my head towards Jasper and Alice.

"_B is for breasts..." _

I glanced sideways at Rosalie's and she smirked at me. A few rows away, I noticed Eric Yorkie frantically scribbling down notes on a clean sheet of paper. I snorted and kicked the back of Edward's chair.

_Eric is writing this down. _I thought. I saw Edward turn his head to look. _Don't feel stupid if you want to make a few notes for yourself. _Edward twisted his foot backwards and kicked me in the shin. I would have kicked him back but I didn't want to risk cutting through a chair leg again. Carlisle wouldn't like it if we had to move now.

"_B is also for blow job..." _

I saw Eric's head snap up. He was giving the video his undivided attention. Poor kid. I wondered if there was any way that Jas and I could sneak a sex manual into his locker or something. He certainly needed it. While the sexy female voiceover gave us some ideas about why blow jobs were so great, I felt a sudden new confidence. I wanted to ask a question. It was clearly Jasper trying to manipulate me but I was bored enough to respond. I stuck up my hand when Mr Banner was definitely looking in my direction. His face fell as if someone had just sacked him.

"Yes, Emmett?" All heads were turned in my direction, especially Edward and Bella who were watching me warily.

"I just wondered sir, why do they call it a 'blow' job?" Then an inspiration hit me. "Because Edward told me that it doesn't even involve blowing. I'm a bit confused." Rosalie, Jasper and Alice were in silent hysterics. Edward's mouth had twisted into that disapproving line that it usually did whenever someone made an explicit reference to the Big S. Mr Banner scratched his head.

"Well, Emmett...I...the uh...video should answer your questions for you..." I nodded.

"OK. Thanks sir!"

"_C is for condom. These are a very effective method at preventing unwanted pregnancies." _

If Rosalie could cry she probably would have burst into tears.

"_Unwanted_?" she hissed, under her breath. "_Unwanted_?" I signalled to Jasper and he sent calming waves in our direction. I decided to cheer her up by asking another amusing question.

"Mr Banner?" I called loudly, certain that he would ignore me if I didn't make it obvious. When he had realised that there was no way that he could ignore me, he reluctantly answered.

"Yes, Emmett? Do you need to visit the bathroom?" I shook my head. Since when had any of the Cullens ever visited the bathroom during lessons?

"No, I was actually wondering something about condoms." Mr Banner stared at the wall behind me for a minute before replying.

"What did you want to know?"

"I was just wondering about...sizes. You see, my brother was worried that some condoms might be too big for him. He hasn't got much down below, if you get me. And he didn't want to be in a... bedroom situation when he found out that they were too big. That would be kinda awkward for him."

Mr Banner seemed relieved that he could answer the question with minimum embarrassment.

"Well, I don't think he'll have any worries there. Condoms are universal, most of the time. One size fits all." I smiled.

"Thanks for that. My brother will be pleased." And then I turned to Edward.

"Hey Edward, did you hear what Mr Banner said? They're universal. One size fits all. That's a relief for you, huh?"

Most of the class were still watching us hence the reason for Edward's reaction. If he had been able to, he would have blushed brighter than Bella. Instead, he growled at me as the rest of our siblings rolled around in their seats laughing. As I faced the screen again, I could have sworn that I caught a slight smirk on Bella's face. 


	5. Revenge of the Chocolate Chips

**Emmett POV**

Friday night at the Cullens' place! After an... interesting sex education lesson, Edward was officially ignoring me, Jasper and Alice couldn't stop laughing and even Rose had cheered up after the mention of babies. So when I suggested that we start an all-vampire (plus Bella) game of twenty-one dares, everyone except Edward was eager to play. I accidentally-on-purpose put Britney's Greatest Hits on the loudspeaker system which just wound the one-hundred-plus-year-old-virgin up even more. Carlisle and Esme were out hunting so that put an end to any rules that Edward had tried to enforce. As I had told him last time after Jasper and I set fire to his piano, there are no rules when you play truth or dare with the Cullens.

"OK, who's going first?" Alice grinned, looking around the circle. Edward was the only one refusing to sit on the floor with the rest of us and he had taken a position in an armchair as far away from me as he could get without leaving the room. Bella was sitting in front of him in the circle.

"Alice, I thought that the whole point of twenty-one dares is that you start by counting to twenty-one and whoever gets twenty-one has to do the dare?" Edward was being typical Edward and trying to explain the rules. Alice rolled her eyes.

"Yes Edward, in the traditional game but with you and me playing, no one else stands a chance. I'll just use it to get twenty-one as much as possible and you'll avoid playing at all. And you'll probably extend that to Bella. So we're just going to go around the circle. Why don't I start?" Edward muttered something under his breath and I saw Jasper whisper something in Alice's ear. They both smirked.

"Why don't we just start with the youngest or something?" Bella suggested. She obviously hadn't heard mine and Edward's views on age before. I opened my mouth before he could get in there with his lecture on the vampire ageing system. Thank God that I was still having too much fun as a human when he and Carlisle had started that discussion.

"Well that puts me at the top, then." I smirked at Edward. "And my little brother over there as the youngest." Edward glared at me. He hated being referred to as my 'little brother'.

"Aren't we counting in vampire years?" I shrugged. I loved this argument. Edward got so stressed over it and I just kept cool. Either way, I always won. "Shouldn't that make Alice the youngest?" Edward persisted.

"Or Bella." Jasper pointed out, just to wind him up. Bella instantly looked worried. She'd never played this with us before and after tonight, she probably wouldn't play again. Until she was a vampire at least. We'd never played this game with anyone who could die easily. Maybe Jas and I would have to turn it down a few notches...

"Enough!" Alice clapped her hands together. "I'll go first!"

"I've got one!" Jasper announced. "Put a condom wrapper in Carlisle's car." I saw an opportunity here.

"And tell him that Edward was experimenting!" I added. Rosalie snorted with laughter.

"Ok," Alice agreed. "But where am I supposed to get a condom wrapper?" Rosalie shrugged.

"Don't look at me!" she snorted. "Emmett and I don't use anything like that!"Rose sounded disgusted and Jasper burst out laughing. "What?" she demanded.

"Sure, you're happy to use that pair of fluffy red handcuffs. But condoms...NO WAY! Too disgusting for Miss Hale, are they?" I nudged Rose playfully.

"Those handcuffs didn't last five seconds on my wrists!" I grinned. "Not with all the..." I demonstrated with a few pelvic thrusts. Edward did his 'virgin face'. AKA the face of disapproval that Eddykins makes every single time that someone mentions sex.

"Emmett!" Edward growled at me. I stopped thrusting.

"Oops, sorry, I forgot." I smirked and turned around to face everyone else. "Guys, we have virgins among us this evening so we've gotta go easy on the sexual references in case they can't take it."

Bella went about one thousand shades of red and Edward would have been even redder if he were able to blush.

"You know, lil' bro, it's at times like this that I wish that we could blush." I told Edward. He pretended to be telling Bella something and ignored me.

_Be like that, virgin. _I added in my thoughts. _Shall I ask Jas to send some lust your way?_

"Don't you dare, Emmett." Edward hissed quietly. I smirked again.

"Anyway, back to Alice," Jasper turned my focus on to the game once more. "Can't we just forget the condom wrapper thing? Because it doesn't look like anyone has one."

"Actually," Alice broke in. "There are some upstairs in Carlisle's medical kit."

"What the hell?" I cut over her. "We're vampires! What does he need those for?"

"He's a doctor, Em." Rose reminded me.

"Yeah, I know. I'm not stupid."

"Really?" Edward muttered under his breath. I jumped up. No one calls Emmett Cullen stupid.

"Alright V-boy, let's take this outside." I raised my eyebrows. We all knew how Edward loved a challenge. But today he just looked at me like I was crazy.

_I'll tell them about the condoms that you have stashed under your bed, _I threatened silently.

Edward's mouth dropped. His expression was guilty, furious and confused all at once.

_And you think that you're the only omniscient one. _Having a psychic sister was great!

"Do you even know what omniscient means?" Edward asked me, a slight smile playing on his lips.

"Yeah." Of course I didn't. I wasn't a walking dictionary, for Aro's sake.

"What does it mean, Emmett?"

Grrrr. Typical Edward. He had to spend his Friday evenings exerting his pathetic omniscient powers over me. Was that the ONLY way that he could entertain himself? I remembered a time when he and Carlisle had started a competition to see who could name everything that Shakespeare had written. I gave up after Romeo and Juliet. And then I threw a tree at Edward because he wouldn't let me have Macbeth because I accidentally called it Macbath. Stupid Elizabethans. Complicating everything.

I just made a face at Edward and deliberately dented the foot of his piano with my thumb. He growled at me but couldn't do anything else in case he scared Bella. It was definitely worth having the human here for that!

"Ok, I've got it!" Rosalie cried. "Alice, take one of those condoms from Carlisle's medical kit and put it over the gear-stick of his car."

We all cracked up laughing except Edward and Bella, who clearly hadn't reached sexual maturity yet. Or any kind of maturity actually. Hopefully we wouldn't end up killing Bella during the game. One of our sworn Cullen secrets was that I had accidentally snacked on a passing woman during one of our twenty-one dares. We were sworn to secrecy. Thank God that Carlisle couldn't read minds. He'd probably kick Jasper and me out of the family if he knew what we'd persuaded Alice and Rosalie to do in the past.

Alice ran off to the garage to complete her dare. When she came back, Edward was playing some lame lullaby type thing to Bella on his piano. Jasper and I were annoying them; me by waltzing around the living room in time to Edward's composition and Jasper was sending exhaustion waves at Bella. She must have fallen asleep about three times before Alice came back in fits of laughter. Edward resumed his seat on the sofa, this time with Bella next to him. I didn't miss the evil glare that he shot Jasper and I.

"OK, Emmett, it's your turn." Alice announced. Edward sat up immeadiately. Oh crap. He was going to choose...no...NO!!

Edward whispered something in Bella's ear and she smirked and ran off to the kitchen. Not good.

"We all know how much Emmett enjoys his food..." Edward told everyone. At a very human pace, Bella came back into the room with something behind her back. When she tripped over the piano leg, Alice and Edward both caught her and she blushed a bright red again. I couldn't help myself. I had to laugh.

"Sorry Bells." I snorted. I found her clumsiness hilarious. I'd never met anyone who fell over quite so frequently. I wondered if, as a vampire, she'd be any less unbalanced. I'd love to see her stack it over a tree and snap it in half. Maybe that would be her special talent...

"Ok, for that, Emmett, you can eat the whole packet." Edward told me. He threw some sort of foil bag at me, containing the most foul-smelling substance that I had ever held in my entire life. I held it between two fingers at an arm's length. Alice giggled.

"What the hell is this, Edward?" I demanded.

"Your dinner." Edward answered. He seemed to have cheered up slightly. I felt disgusted at the scent of this package. No way was I putting that anywhere near my mouth!

"You're kidding right?" I snarled.

"Most...um...humans seem to like those, Emmett." Bella laughed.

"In case you hadn't noticed Bella, I'm actually not human. Anymore." I took a breath and almost choked on the smell. "Seriously, what is this supposed to be? Dog food or something?" Rosalie edged away from me.

"You'd better not have brought that into the house, Edward." she sniffed. Bella shook her head.

The words that she spoke next were the most terrifying of my innocent, sheltered life so far.

"They're cookies, Emmett."

COOKIES? LIKE TO...EAT...?


	6. Naughty Step

**Emmett POV**

At least Carlisle had let me out of the house to go to school. Vampire house arrest. Grrr. And the no-sex-for-three-weeks bit SUCKED. Rosalie and I were likely to knock the house down when we were reunited. Ah well. It's not like I didn't warn Esme.

I hadn't even done anything wrong! I had eaten half a stinking bag of human cookies when it was Edward's turn for a dare. It was more Jasper than me that suggested that we change it to truth instead. When he wouldn't answer the questions truthfully, it was only fair that we sent Rosalie and Jasper to raid his bedroom.

I didn't tell them that it was me who had hidden that porn movie inside his Mozart's Piano Concerto CD. I may have also forgotten to mention that it was me who edited the pictures of him and Bella on his laptop with that dirty software that Felix sent me a few years ago. Note to Em: must email Carlisle some of those pictures from Edward's email address.

While Alice was upstairs, trying clothes on Bella, I was threatening to set Edward on fire and chain him to his piano when Jasper sent lust at Rosalie. She jumped on top of me, sent my burning stick flying across the room and very unfortunately, it landed on Esme's antique table. I honestly didn't mean to burn down the entire dining room! Jasper and Edward had put out most of the house before the fire reached Carlisle's study and Jasper kept on sending lust at me so eventually Rose and I ended up almost having sex in front of Bella when she came downstairs. It was hilarious when Edward ran in and shoved his hand over her eyes. Damn Jasper and his stupid powers. Edward and Alice started shouting at me and I told them that Carlisle had already watched the Great Fire of London back when he was a newborn so this slight damage shouldn't bother him much. Esme however, was a different story.

And I was the only one who even got shouted at! Jasper just sent pity waves at Esme and Carlisle so they let him off the hook. Edward, perfect, perfect Edward with his stupid human girlfriend just got an APOLOGY(!) and I had to clear up all of the mess ON MY OWN! Meanwhile Edward was watching Bella sleep (fun...), Jasper and Alice really were having fun and Rosalie kept smacking my butt while I was trying to concentrate on the cleaning. Talk about distractions!

Alice didn't even get into trouble for the condom thing! She said that I had tricked her into it! How do you trick a psychic into anything?! At least we had sex education again. I needed something to cheer me up.

Mr Banner walked into the room with a box underneath his arm. I peered more closely at it. The box was full of leaflets about how to use condoms. I groaned silently. Then I turned around. Edward and Bella were sitting behind Rose and me.

"Hey Ed, Mr Banner's got some leaflets for you and Bella!"

Surely I could liven the lesson up somehow...

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Yes, the sex education lesson from chapter four will be continued. Most likely in the next chapter. I've had so many great reviews from you guys! I love you! Please keep them coming! A bag of Emmett's cookie's to every reviewer! (And he may have drooled on some of them...) :)**_

_**Anyway, the next chapter will be up soon. If you have any ideas that you'd like to be included, send them and I will give credit. In the meantime, read justanotherobsessivefan's "How To Annoy The Cullens". It is hilarious! XXX Love to all my reviewers! **_

_**El Leon Y La Oveja**_

_**PS. Short chapter, I know but the next one will be up soon! And that was one and a half chapters in one night if you want to count this one as a half. It's Emmett's hangover memories of the night before (except he doesn't get hangovers) so I did a little epilogue for the night's events. **_

_**Gotta get some sleep now!**_

_**:)**_


	7. Sex Education & Origami

**Emmett POV**

"I'm going to pass out these leaflets that may interest you. You can have a look while the video is playing. All questions at the end."

Mr Banner clearly didn't want a repeat of last lesson. Oops. He glared pointedly at me when he said the bit about questions. So what, I wasn't even allowed to be curious? Excuse me for having never been told anything. That was partly true actually. Anything that I hadn't learnt from Rosalie, I didn't know. Carlisle and Esme had certainly never taught me anything about sex. As far as they were concerned, I could still believe that birds fluttered by to drop the babies on the doorstep. Hmmm. Maybe Mr Banner didn't have to know about my experience. I could be innocent...right?

"Sir?" I called, in my most innocent voice. Okay, so it wasn't something that I had a lot of practise at. Mr Banner sighed.

"Mr Cullen, all questions at the end please."

"This will only take a second. I'm just a bit...confused."

"Again?" Mr Banner replied impatiently. If I really was a naïve little child then I could be in tears right now. Come on Jasper, catch on, I thought. With Jasper's emotion manipulation, he could seriously help me to enjoy this lesson and not just by messing around with my emotions.

"I'm sorry," I hung my head in mock shame. Rose and Alice were giggling behind their leaflets. "I just need to know...where exactly do the storks and doorsteps come into all of this?"

Mr Banner handed me a leaflet.

"Emmett, I'm not sure what information you have been given in the past but you appear to have been slightly misinformed."

"You mean the girls don't get dropped off in a pink basket? And the boys don't get blue?" I was seriously hoping that Rosalie wouldn't get stroppy with all these baby connotations.

"Emmett, I think that you should watch the video."

**Jasper POV**

"_D is for dildo..."_

I was yawning out of boredom. Please! Seriously, none of us were likely to learn anything from this stupid movie. Alice was doodling on the back of her condom leaflet. Hmmm. That was an interesting sketch. We'd have to try that one out tonight. I sent inquisitive waves over to Bella and Edward's desk. Anything to liven up this video.

"Why do people use those?" Bella asked, totally under my influence. "Can't they just...use another person?"

"Sometimes your other half is a prudish practiser of abstinence," Emmett put in. "Last resort?"

Mike Newton was glaring at Edward, shooting evils at him. Geez, if looks could kill a vampire... I sent waves of love and peace towards him. Let him do what he wanted with those.

"Bella!" Mike tapped her lightly on the arm. I felt the anger and resent coming from Edward.

"Hey, Mike." Bella replied. I sent the inquisitiveness to him this time.

"Have you ever had sex?" he asked. Bella blushed bright red. Rosalie was laughing at her.

"I...um...well, Mike...I'd rather...not...say actually..." Mike nodded and with a straight face, moved on to the great vampire prude sitting next to Bella.

"How about you?" Edward snarled in my direction. Maybe it was too obvious.

"I'm not comfortable having this discussion with you, Mike," Edward replied, in his I'd-drink-your-blood-now-if-Carlisle-hadn't-taught-me-better voice. "Perhaps you'd like to ask Emmett?"

I turned the emotions off and sent lust over to my brother who had just made a paper plane out of his condom leaflet. I prayed that he wouldn't throw it through a wall. Emmett easily forgot his strength when I messed with his emotions. His entire mind seemed to turn itself off actually.

"Yeah, I've 'done it'," Emmett replied to Mike, his face eager to discuss his experiences. I made Mike even more uncomfortable and Emmett even more turned on. It was interesting to hear what he'd come out with.

"_E is for erection..."_

"I've got one of those right now," Emmett whispered to Mike. Even Edward was amused by the look on Mike's face. "But sitting next to my gorgeous Rose, how could I not? Especially after what we did the other week." Mike couldn't find the time to turn away; Em just wouldn't stop talking. I averted my attention to Alice as Emmett gave Mike a very detailed account of his sexual relations with Rosalie. She glared at me as Emmett blurted out all of their recent activities. I choked back a snort.

"_F is for foreplay. It's not all about the sex. There are many other things that you can do. These include: licking, rubbing, massaging..." _

I switched off. As if Alice and I hadn't tried all of those already. Only Edward and Bella were actually watching. They were hilarious. Edward probably knew as much as we did anyway, just from hearing our sexual thoughts the whole time so it was only Bella who had about as much experience as a toddler. And with Edward as her match made in heaven, they weren't likely to get much done, apart from studying. If she wasn't careful, Bella would end up as Edward's virgin-vampire-soulmate for the rest of her existence and that did not look like a fun position to take on.

Emmett had twisted Rosalie's free leaflet into an origami penis which he was waving in Mike's face enthusiastically, demonstrating various thrusts and movements with it, using his hands to make other...suggestive shapes. Mike was edging away from Emmett with a look of fear in his eyes. And then I had a brilliant idea.

Eric Yorkie joined them at the table with his own leaflet clutched tightly in his hand.

"Mind if I borrow that?" Emmett asked. Eric appeared to be distraught to part with it but no one refused Emmett. Especially an Emmett in the middle of a sexual demonstration.

"So Eric..." Mike batted his eyelashes up and down at Eric. He smiled in a way that I had never seen a straight guy smile before.

"Hey, Mike." Eric replied, totally oblivious. Poor kid.

"I know it's ages away..." Mike started, moving his hand to rest on Eric's arm. "But I was wondering...do you want to go to prom with me?" Emmett was too immersed in his origami to listen but I saw Bella, Rosalie and Alice in fits of laughter. Even prude-boy had cracked a smile.

Eric stared at Mike, stunned.

"I thought that you were going to ask Bella?" Mike shook his head.

"No way. You're the only one for me, Eric."

"Geez, uh, Mike...I don't know what to say..."

"Say yes baby." Mike leaned in, as if about to kiss him. I burst into hysterics. Alice winked at me.

"Send Emmett jealousy," she whispered. "If you want a laugh and a half." I nodded and did so.

"BACK UP OFF HIM, MIKE!" Emmett roared. Mike fell backwards off his chair in fright.

"Wha...whattaya talking about, Cullen?" he stammered. Kudos to Mike for even getting words out.

"Eric belongs to me! He's going to prom with me!" Emmett proudly announced and shoved his arm over Eric's shoulders. I heard the kid wince under Emmett's weight. Oops. I sent even more lust at them. Edward and Bella were smirking at Emmett, who was going to murder me later. It was worth it.

Mike burst into tears.

"I love Eric!" he sobbed, as Emmett tore one of the origami sexual organs up and threw the pieces over Mike like confetti. "It's not fair!" Time to join the big boys, Yorkie, I thought as I sent lust and sexual tension into their little group.

"Why don't you share me?" Eric suggested. Mike wailed even harder.

"I'm so going to mess up my eyes!" he cried. "And I can feel my hair deflating." Mike's head was squashed into his hands, which explained his fears. Yes, one glance told me that his hair was definitely loosing its spiky factor. I snorted once more.

"_G is for gay..."_

"Yeah," Alice giggled as she glanced over at Emmett and Mike, who were still fighting over Eric. "Gay is right."

_**Author's Note**_

_**Thanks for reading and for all the fab comments! I love everyone who reviews- you are all superstars! I have an idea for the next chapter that will not take very long to write so it may well be up by the end of the week. **_

_**Just to clear things up, I don't hate Edward AT ALL! I only make fun of him (well, his brothers do) because he is a one hundred + year old virgin vampire and the sex-addicted Emmett and Rosalie cannot understand him. In case anyone is getting the wrong idea, I am totally Team Edward. **_

_**Thanks for reviewing/ reading. You are my stars!**_

_**El Leon Y La Oveja**_


	8. Human Food Anyone?

**Jasper POV**

"Emmett, chill out, it was only a joke, OK?" Edward and Emmett were both glaring at me. Oops. After they'd all ditched me after school, I'd run home, only to find Emmett in the worst mood for about half a century.

"My sexuality is important to me, Jasper!" Emmett moaned. "I don't want everyone thinking that I've come out of the closet!"

"And I don't want everyone thinking that my husband's just come out of the closet!" Rosalie screamed at me. I sent calming waves at her.

"Don't send calm at me, Jasper Whitlock!" Rosalie stamped her foot and the floorboards dented.

"Don't Jasper Whitlock me!" I laughed. "It was a joke! It was sex education! Emmett, just say that you were stoned or something. Humans do that all the time."

Edward growled.

"Jasper, that wasn't funny. You drew far too much attention to us. Do you want the Volturi visiting us?" As he spoke, he drew his arm protectively around Bella. She shuddered.

"Edward, it was a joke. Mike and Eric came off a lot worse, if you ask me. Emmett hardly attracted any negative attention at all."

"Edward!" Alice groaned, clearly just having had a vision. "You're not going to tell Carlisle?!"

Edward shrugged.

"It could be dangerous, Alice. I don't have a choice."

"Spoilsport." I muttered.

"You're still doing a forfeit, even if Carlisle tells you off." Emmett told me. Alice laughed.

"Nice idea, Em. He won't do it but nice idea anyway."

"What?" I demanded. "What does he think I'm doing?" Emmett snorted.

"Have you ever eaten human food, Jas?" I gasped.

"No way!" I told him. "I am NOT eating human food!" Edward laughed when he heard Emmett's plan.

"Well, if it's any consolation, there is some blood involved..."

"Not human blood," Alice interjected, as Bella looked slightly frightened.

"Yeah, don't worry, you're not here as a donor." Emmett laughed, to Edward's annoyance.

"So what exactly am I doing?" I asked my brothers and sisters. Emmett and Edward exchanged a glance.

"We're going to a restaurant." Rosalie told me, with a smug expression upon her face.

**Emmett POV**

The six of us seated around one small table in Sunny's Steak House was definitely a rare sighting.

"Why did we have to drive all the way to New York?" Rosalie complained. "Don't they sell human food in Forks?"

"This place has the best steak for miles," Alice explained. "If you're going to make my husband eat human food, he's going to eat the quality stuff." Jasper gave her a smile.

"Thanks, Alice." She winked at him.

"Just choke it up before you next kiss me." Bella made a face. I rolled my eyes.

"Sorry Bells, I forgot that there were people with us who actually eat human food." I caught a scent from the kitchens. "Do they have to make it smell so unappealing?" Bella shrugged.

"It smells quite nice to me, actually Emmett." I made a face.

"Yeah but you eat that stuff!" I signalled at a plate of chips and some unidentifiable grey stuff on a tray being carried towards the table next to us. "For Aro's sake, the waitress smells better than that crap!" Edward glared at me. I sighed.

"Oh loosen up, Ed! Don't tell me you're following in Carlisle's footsteps with the whole 'we-must-not-take-the-Volturi's-names-in-vain' thing?" Rosalie sniffed and muttered something under her breath, involving the words 'rat' and 'ass'.

"Emmett, you can say what you like about the Volturi but don't be so loud when we're out. You can't say that you'd prefer the smell of the waitress!" Edward had lowered his voice so that only our table could hear, apart from Bella.

"Why? Are you going to grass me up to Carlisle?" Alice coughed.

"Emmett, you might want to order." I looked sideways at Jasper who I had deliberately positioned as far away from me as possible. I did NOT want to have to smell the human food right next to me.

"Are we ready to order?"

The waitress was practically resting her boobs on my shoulder. Rosalie growled quietly. I took her hand under the table.

"I think so." Alice answered. She pointed at something on the menu and Jasper grimaced before nodding. I noticed that the waitress's gaze was alternating in between Edward, me and her notebook. Jasper's creepy stare was obviously putting her off. Humans tended to freak out near him.

"Could I have the...steak tartare please?" Jasper asked, sounding as if he was about to throw up. I snorted. The waitress nodded.

"And for you?" She turned straight to Edward, although Alice was sitting beside Jasper. Alice answered for him.

"That's all for us." The waitress removed her fashion glasses and smiled at Alice as if she were incompetent.

"You would like to order one portion of steak tartare for all...six of you?" Alice nodded.

"We're all on starvation diets." The waitress looked at Jasper. "He gave in." Alice pretended to look disapprovingly at Jasper. Bella giggled. Jasper glanced up from the menu.

"About this steak tartare..."

"Yes?" The waitress leaned right over me, deliberately touching me. I slid the chair away reluctantly. If she felt how cold my neck was, she'd get scared. Jasper raised his eyebrows at me.

"Could I just have the steak...part?" Confused, the waitress peered at Jasper.

"You would like to order a plate of raw steak mince?"

"Mince?" Jasper sounded disgusted. I snorted once more. This was going to be hilarious. Although I was completely in agreement with Jas. Why the hell would anyone mash up food into minced pieces? I wouldn't drink blood from a minced grizzly!

"Could I just have the steak slice then please?" Jasper asked. Edward put his head in his hands. I knew that he was either cursing Jasper's lack of human experience. The waitress clearly thought that we were a right pack of freaks. She wasn't far wrong, what with Edward and Alice.

"You would like to order the steak? How would you like that cooked?" Jasper sighed.

"Not."

The waitress put her notebook in her pocket.

"I'm afraid that I don't quite understand." Edward lifted his head and deliberately made eye contact with the waitress. Before he had even spoken, she blushed a deep red. I knew that Jasper would only be more irritated by that.

"If it's not too much trouble, could we have a few slices of raw steak?" Edward asked. The waitress was too dazed to be surprised or puzzled.

"No...sir. I'm sure that will be...just fine..."

She walked away breathing heavily. We all turned to stare at Edward.

"I didn't know that you could do that!" I told him. Who knew that innocent Edward even knew how to turn on the charm when he wanted to? That explained how Bella had fallen for him so quickly.

"You didn't want to order anything, did you?" Alice asked Bella. She shook her head.

"I'm not hungry really. And I didn't want to put Jasper off anymore by ordering pasta or something."

"Raw steak slices?" Rosalie asked Edward. "Way to stay inconspicuous." Edward shrugged.

"It was either that or let her get confused for another hour. And Alice, starvation dieting?"

"Humans do that." Alice explained. "I watched a documentary on it with Esme."

"Why do you watch documentaries about humans all the time?" Rosalie sniffed.

"Because funnily enough Rose, they don't make them about vampires." Edward replied. "And Jas, you weren't sending the waitress confusion waves, were you?" Jasper looked guilty.

"A few may have escaped, I suppose."

A different waitress sauntered over with a plate in her hands. Just the smell of the food made me want to gag, despite it being raw. She put the plate down in front of Jasper and smiled at Edward and I.

"Are you sure that I can't get you boys anything?" We shook our heads politely. "Strong guys like you? Shouldn't you be eating something?" I loved the way that Jasper was completely ignored as he prodded the steak with his fork, repulsed.

"We're fine at the moment, thank you." Edward replied in his 'nineteen-eighteen-manners' voice. Honestly. Twenty-first century, Edward! When in Rome...try to avoid the Volturi.

"What do I do with this?" Jasper asked Bella. She laughed and rested her head on Edward's shoulder.

"Eat it? I don't know! Edward, help me out here." Edward shrugged.

"They seem to have drained most of the blood from it," Edward told him, laughing. "You'll just have to eat what you can." Jasper held the meat at an arm's length.

"Jasper!" Edward reprimanded. "Don't you know how to use a knife and fork?" Jasper shrugged.

"I've been a vamp..."

"Sshhh!" Edward hissed. Jasper rolled his eyes.

"I've been in this...condition for centuries. Over time, you forget how to use a knife and fork, Edward."

"Didn't Carlisle teach you?" Edward questioned. "Just in case?" Jasper shrugged. I snorted. That was so Carlisle. Even thought we were vampires and never ate food, he would have to ensure that the Cullen kids had the perfect manners just in case we ever found ourselves in a dinner party situation. Jasper and I had managed to wheedle our way out of lessons and Alice claimed that she'd know if she'd ever need to use cutlery in the future. Rosalie however, was keen to point out that she had attended numerous dinner parties as a human and had never forgotten that particular skill.

"Edward, we never use these things..." Jasper held up his knife and spoon. "So what's the point in learning how to?" Edward sighed.

"Times like this. We're not fitting in. Pick up your knife and fork. No, not that one," Edward instructed Jasper as he picked up his knife and spoon. "The one with three prongs- that's called a fork. Hold that in your left hand and the knife in your right."

Jasper held both utensils, one in each fist. I wondered if he was doing it wrong deliberately, to avoid ever consuming his meal. Edward growled. Clearly, he was not a born teacher.

"Edward, Edward, patience is a virtue." Alice quoted at him. Bella smirked at him. She leant forward.

"Jasper, hold them like this," Bella demonstrated with her own cutlery. Jasper copied. Bella nodded.

"Well done. That's fine. Now cut your meat." Jasper made a ridiculously exaggerated sawing motion with his knife, postponing the actual consumption of the steak.

"Jasper! Just eat it!" I told him, impatiently. No way was he going to get out of my revenge. No one makes a fool of Emmett Cullen and gets away with it.

The waitress walked over to check our table and Jasper's untouched plate of food. Her eyes fell upon Jasper, with his knife stuck into the steak and his fork stabbing viciously at it, trying to cut a small piece. She raised her eyebrows and seemed slightly puzzled. Alice glanced at her.

"Sorry, he has trouble using a knife and fork. He's not used to them. His old family used to eat off the floor. We've just adopted him."

Alice loved making up obscure life stories for us whenever we stood out in public. The last one was that Jasper was a foreign student from the Arctic and it was customary for him to try to lick the faces of people that he met. That story was supposed to explain why he kept trying to bite the shop assistant's head off. I much preferred my excuse, which I had used numerous times.

"_Sorry, we've just got him, he's not properly trained yet."_ So many times had people given me and Jasper strange looks, as if we both belonged in a mental home of some kind. One of Alice's dares had even got me to drag Jas around on a lead all week. We'd had to move after that week at school.

The waitress nodded, completely bemused. When she'd left, I leaned over to Jasper, careful not to breathe in the scent of his meal.

"Dinner time, Jas. Eat it." We all laughed quietly. Jasper picked up the meat between his finger and thumb and lifted it to his mouth. Rosalie screamed and ducked below the table.

"I can't watch!"

Slowly, Jasper closed his lips around the steak. Then came a loud sucking noise as Jasper drained the slice of all the blood that it contained. The remainder of the restaurant looked around at us in horror as they heard Jasper's slurping sounds. Thank God that Alice had chosen to eat outside of Forks. Number one, we'd have had to leave straight away. Number two, Carlisle and Esme (and Edward) would have died from the shame if we'd exhibited bad behaviour in public. The Cullen kids were famous for being so perfect and polite at all times. That was the only reason that Edward sometimes agreed to do my homework, because he knew that I'd let down the family name by refusing to do it.

Jasper threw the first slice back down on his plate. He had complete drained the blood from it. His eyes had turned a strange mustard colour. Hmm. I supposed that was what cow's blood did to us.

"Enjoy that, Jas?" I asked him. Even Edward had been mildly entertained by Jasper's eating habits.

"It was repulsive," Jasper half-growled at me. "It tasted worse than Jacob Black smells." Both Edward and Bella froze at the sound of that name. Honestly. Couldn't the one-hundred-year-old-virgin just get over the competition? Like Bella would ever pick some flea-ridden dog over a vampire! It was laughable. But then again, Bella wasn't exactly normal. Far from it.

**Jasper POV**

Fifteen minutes later, three totally drained, hard and grey slices of steak sat on my plate. The waitress collected them without a word; she merely blinked as she stared around at the weirdest party ever to enter the steak house, without a doubt.

"I'll need a contact number... in case there are...um... any problems with the bill," the second waitress asked, looking at Emmett and Edward in particular. Emmett grinned at Edward and slipped an extra piece of paper inside the bill. The waitress smirked.

"Thanks very much," she told Emmett and Edward. "Hope to see you again real soon."

When we were outside, I turned to Emmett.

"Whose number did you really put inside the bill?" I asked him. Alice giggled.

"Eric Yorkie's," Emmett replied, laughing. Then he turned to Edward. "It'll be interesting to see who gets laid first."

We all exploded into fits of laughter except, of course, a blushing Bella and the Virgin Vampire of the twentieth century. I wonder if the Volturi do an award for that sort of thing...


	9. Ready, Steady, COOK!

**Emmett POV**

Just the sight of Edward in oven gloves, trying not to rip the cooker to shreds with his bare hands was amusing enough. When adding the fact that even Mike Newton was laughing at our pitiful attempts, I was surrounded by a comedy show.

"When you've rolled the dough out, make sure that it's not too thin..." Mrs Price may as well have been talking to herself instead of directing her words towards Edward, Jasper, Alice, Rosalie and I. Jasper nodded furiously. I was surprised that he wasn't taking notes on her lecture.

Alice and I were the only ones who refused to take this course seriously. Metal work was bad enough; I had to make a deliberate effort not to nail someone's hand to the desk and Bella ended up at A&E almost every time that someone let her near the drills. Only Bella had been pleased when we'd switched to Food Technology after a few months. Edward had finally discovered something that the humans could do better than him, Jasper was desperately trying to succeed (and failing), Rosalie hated the constant flow of F grades that her cooking received and Alice and I had accepted the fact that we couldn't cook and didn't need to anyway.

"Mr Cullen, what are you doing with your rolling pin?" Mrs Price looked down at Jasper in disbelief. In his efforts not to roll straight through the table, he was applying minimum pressure to the dough, hardly flattening it at all.

"I'll just...roll it out then, shall I?" Mrs Price nodded. When she'd turned her back, I jumped over the bench at vampire speed and sat down on Jasper's dough for a second. When I stood up again, the dough had been completely flattened. I grinned at him and gave him a thumbs up. Jasper scowled.

"Thanks a lot. No one's going to be able to eat that now." I shrugged.

"Jas, you weren't going to eat that anyway. You can't eat food, remember?" Edward shot me a warning glance.

On the bench behind Rosalie, Jasper and I, Edward, Bella and Alice were probably making slightly more progress. Alice had just crushed her onion in her fist instead of slicing it neatly. I followed her example and tried not to inhale the disgusting stench coming from the metal pan on the stove. Bella however, was sniffing enthusiastically at her own concoction. I was also sure that Edward didn't like the fact that her cooking skills were significantly more developed than his. Food Technology was one course that the Cullen kids had always struggled with.

Unfortunately, with the added pressure of Mrs Price assessing her work (and Mike Newton staring at her from across the room), Bella wasn't performing as well as she did at home. Her clumsiness was an added enjoyment for me as she slipped on some oil that I had split earlier. Edward glared at me when he heard my thoughts.

"Hey Emmett, do you think that it would be too much if I put marshmallows on this pizza?" Alice called to me. I gave her a thumbs up. Mrs Price looked terrified as she hurried over to Alice.

"Dear, marshmallows don't usually go with pizza...are you making a sweet pizza?" Alice shook her head innocently.

"Don't they?" she replied, faking confusion. "That's how we make it at home, don't we Em?" I grinned over at them encouragingly, glancing at Alice's pizza base, piled high with practically every product that she had found at the store on the way to school. For a girl who could match clothes, she definitely wasn't trying to pick foods that went well together. She had everything from fish to chocolate. Mrs Price wrinkled her nose.

"It's...down to you, dear."

Jasper swore loudly when he opened his oven to a huge cloud of black smoke. Everyone in the room began to cough within about five seconds. Edward looked over disapprovingly.

"Mr Cullen, what happened?" Mrs Price had one hand covering her nose and mouth as she moved reluctantly towards Jasper. He looked embarrassed.

"Um...I forgot to set the timer." Mrs Price sighed.

"Rookie mistake!" she scolded. "Use your spare dough and have another try."

Mrs Price left the classroom to find Jasper some more flour in the store cupboard. Almost as soon as she had left, I flicked a tomato at Alice. Unfortunately, she ducked and it flew across the table, where it hit Bella right in the face. I snorted with laughter as she stood there, red tomato juice dripping out of her hair and on to the work surface.

"Emmett!" Bella cried. "What was that for?" I grinned apologetically.

"Sorry Bells. I was aiming for pixie girl actually." Bella frowned at Alice.

"You could have warned me." Alice rolled her eyes as she added another marshmallow to her pizza pile.

"Sorry but this hair doesn't grow back if I have to cut sticky food stuff out of it. Yours will."

"Tomato washes out," Edward told Alice, helping Bella to wipe her face with a dishcloth. Alice stuck her tongue out and seconds later, I found myself being pelted with marshmallows.

"Alice! Stop it!" I grabbed Jasper's frying pan and used it to deflect the marshmallows, sending the flying straight back at her. I took aim at one of them like I was playing baseball and smacked it away with the frying pan....

SMASH!

**Jasper POV**

Emmett hit the marshmallow straight through the window, sending glass everywhere, including into Eric Yorkie's boiling pot of something evil-smelling that he was claiming to be chicken curry. Eric burst into tears and ran out of the classroom.

"Nice one, Em!" I laughed. Rosalie kicked the oven door shut with her foot, making a noticeable dent in the front of it and strode over to Emmett.

"Em, a marshmallow?!" she whispered. "What's the excuse for that going through the window?" Most of the class were staring at Emmett. Alice waved her hands dismissively.

"It's nothing, really!" she announced to our stunned classmates. "I put fifty cent coins inside them. For a surprise. It made the marshmallows heavier."

"That's why they went through the window!" Bella pretended to realise, playing along. I sent waves of disinterest around the room which got everyone back at their work stations with their own cooking.

"CRAP!" Emmett screamed as his sleeve caught on fire. "Fire! CRAP, HELP!" Emmett had an irrational fear of fire, probably because it was the only thing that could kill us. Bella looked nervously at Edward and I decided to...heat things up a little. I shot fear towards Mike Newton and right on cue, he screamed and smashed the fire alarm on the wall beside him. Edward groaned as Rosalie practically jumped on Emmett, forcing him towards the sink. She turned the tap on, full blast and attempted to soak the flames in water. I sent lust towards them and after a few seconds, they were making out on the draining board. Edward rolled his eyes in an 'I-give-up' manner and Bella giggled nervously.

"Evacuate! Evacuate the building!" Mrs Price ran into the room, red-faced, carrying a bag of flour. Her screamed alerted Emmett and Rosalie who stopped kissing and noticed that Emmett's sleeve had burnt all the way up to his shoulder. Mrs Price shrieked and nearly fainted at the sight of the flames lapping around Emmett's head.

"Oh bloody hell, FIRE!" Emmett roared, as he tried to fan the flames with Edward's tea towel. Half of the class had rushed out of the door but some were still watching the action sequence in front of them, including Edward, Bella, Alice and me.

"You should get outside," Edward told Bella. "The last thing we need is..."

Edward never got to finish his sentence as Emmett, covered in flames circled around the room, howling and trying to put himself out. Bella cowered back as he ran right past her, flapping at his head with a tea towel. Most of his shirt was in tatters and the flames had reached his waist. Rosalie gasped.

"Hell no, you can't get damaged down there!" She looked around frantically and ended up grabbing my saucepan, which was still swimming with an onion soup mixture. Rosalie filled it with water and launched herself at Emmett, hurling water over both of them. Emmett blinked liquid out of his eyes and growled when he saw that most of his clothing was still alight. I sent happiness at them, just out of curiosity and suddenly Rose dropped my pan and began to dance around the room, linking Emmett's arm, which was covered in ash and flames. Emmett joined in and as he swung around the room, he reminded me somewhat of a Chinese dragon, with all the orange ribbons/flames flying around him. Edward heard my thoughts and started laughing.

Alice was also shaking hysterically and when I looked around, Mrs Price was dialling 911 on Bella's mobile.

"Hello? This is Forks High School. We need urgent assistance! There's a fire in Food Technology! Yes! I...a student is on fire!....Thank you!" Bella took her mobile back but Edward grabbed it before she could put it away in her pocket. _PLEASE don't call Carlisle,_ I thought. _We'll be banned from Food Tech forever. Literally, forever. _

But Edward just pressed record and began to film the entire scene, with a smirk upon his face. Mrs Price noticed our lack of concern for our poor brother and looked slightly confused.

"I...have called an ambulance. They will be here as soon as humanely possible."

"Humanely isn't quick enough!" Emmett roared, only half-acting. His fear of fire was hilarious; he wasn't even in pieces!

"Excellent!" Alice mumbled. Clearly she had just had a vision. I turned on the lust once more and Rosalie and Emmett fell to the floor, touching each other in all sorts of inappropriate places. Well, places inappropriate for a classroom anyway. Most of the students had evacuated however and Mrs Price probably should have told us to do so too but she was in some kind of dazed state and she didn't even seen capable of speech.

And then the door flew open.

"Forks Police Department! Put your hands above your heads!"

"Forks Fire Service! Please evacuate the area!"

"Forks Ambulance! Everybody remain calm!"

We all looked around, completely confused, apart from Rosalie, who was trying to tear off Emmett's flaming trousers and Emmett who was flapping his hands wildly above his head, frantically attempting to save his hair from being burnt off.

"Police?" Edward questioned. Bella groaned.

"Uh oh..."

"Bells?" Chief Swan ran straight over to her and tried to pull her out of the room where two people were making out, on fire, on the floor. Oops. I turned the lust off before someone else walked in and I had a pretty good idea of who that would be.

"Hi Charlie, I mean Dad....everything's fine, really." Charlie didn't buy that.

"Bells, what's going on?"

"Um...Emmett had an accident with the cooker. But it's under control." Charlie looked at Emmett and Rose, still rolling around together in the aftermath of my lust. Both of them had caught fire. Rose was going to kill us when she realised that her shirt had been ruined. I frantically sent panic waves to them until they jumped up and resumed their screaming.

"Hold still!" A firefighter leapt through one of the open windows and sprayed Emmett and Rose with foam, just in time for Carlisle to come running in through the door after Charlie.

"Edward? Jasper? Alice?" Carlisle surveyed the scene in front of him "What's happened?" All three of us merely looked at Emmett and Rosalie. Carlisle followed our eyes.

"There...was...fire..." Emmett panted. "Oh hey Carlisle! When did you get here? Wanna try my pizza?" Carlisle at Mrs Price, who was breathing very heavily and he walked towards her.

"Mrs Price." Edward answered Carlisle's unspoken question. He nodded.

"Mrs Price? Are you alright?" _Sure she is. Let's have some fun. _I wafted double lust towards her.

"Doctor Cullen...well well well." Mrs Price shifted so that she was standing between Carlisle and the bench. "You're looking...handsome today, aren't you?" Carlisle shot me a glare. I shrugged innocently.

"I hope that you haven't been hurt?" Carlisle tried to get on with his quick examination.

"Hurt? Not at all, _doctor, _not at all. But tell me..." Mrs Price pressed her hands against his chest. Edward, Alice, Bella and I cracked up laughing. "Have you been working out..._doctor_?" She giggled a girlie and annoying giggle; a sound that I was immensely glad that Alice had never made. Carlisle cleared his throat.

"Well, as long as you were not burnt..." He turned to Emmett and Rose, who were licking the foam off each other's faces. Oops. I must have caught them with my lust.

"Who called the police?" Edward asked Charlie.

"Mrs Cope. She called up and explained that someone was breaking into the Food Technology room. She heard a huge crash coming from the window and then all the fire bells went off. Very suspicious." Emmett averted his eyes to the ceiling guiltily.

"Emmett threw a...something through the window accidentally," I explained to Charlie. Carlisle glanced at Edward who nodded discreetly. Rosalie sighed.

"You two will need a check-up," Carlisle told Emmett and Rosalie, to keep everything looking realistic in front of Charlie. "If you don't mind, Chief Swan, I'll take my children along with me now."

"That's fine with me, Doctor Cullen." Charlie hesitated. "Is it alright if Bella went along with you now? I won't be home until late by the time I've got this sorted out." Carlisle nodded.

"That would be fine. Rosalie, Emmett, you'll have to travel in the ambulance. You may have burns that need attending to and you could experience some shock. Edward, take the others in your car. We'll meet you at the hospital." Edward nodded and Carlisle turned to thank the firemen.

**Emmett POV **

"We seriously get to ride in the ambulance?! Awesome!" I high-fived Rosalie and grinned at Carlisle. "You know, I think we need some assistance . My legs are feeling a bit weak."

"You're probably right." Carlisle agreed as we were still within earshot of Charlie and the firemen. I shook some more foam out of my hair.

"I need a wheelchair," Rosalie moaned, winking at me. "I honestly couldn't move another step."

Alice, knowing what Rosalie would demand, pushed a wheelchair up and parked it in front of her. Rosalie jumped in straight away, adding a few groans for dramatic effect. Bella returned with another one for me.

"Thanks Bells, you're the best!" I laughed. And it was one of the ones that you could push yourself! How lucky was that?! "I'll race you to the ambulance!" I told Rose. "On your marks, get set....GO!"

In the ambulance, there were two good-looking female nurses so Carlisle still had to pretend to be seriously worried about us.

"Carlisle...I'm feeling very weak still. I think that I need to lie down on the stretcher." Carlisle shot me an annoyed glance but he couldn't say anything.

"Alright Emmett. You can lie down if you need to." Rosalie muffled a giggle behind her hand.

"Rosalie?" Carlisle pretended to check. "Are you feeling dizzy at all? Neither of you have any severe burns but you may be suffering from shock." I nodded vigourously.

"I think I have that, Carlisle. I keep seeing bright flashes in my eyes."

"You haven't been in a car accident, Emmett!" Rosalie hissed so that I was the only one who heard her. "And that stupid nurse keeps looking at you."

Sure enough, the uglier of the two nurses was blushing and kept shooting strange looks at me. I really hoped that wasn't her idea of flirting.

"Doctor Cullen, shall I take this young man's pulse?" she suggested eagerly. Rosalie immeadiately shot daggers at her. Boy, if looks could kill...

"It's fine, I'll do that when we've got them back to the hospital," Carlisle replied quickly before she could discover firstly how cold my skin was and secondly that I didn't even have a pulse. The nurse sighed in disappointment.

The sirens wailing as we sped along the roads were an added bonus. I added a few moans and groans every now and then for dramatic effect and I could pick out the sound of Edward's Volvo somewhere on the road behind us.

"I think that I may have concussion," Rosalie glared at one of the nurses. "I felt very dizzy for a few minutes just then." They both averted their attention from me and reluctantly turned to face her.

"You might have to stay in overnight," the prettier nurse told her. Carlisle rolled his eyes behind them.

"I'm sure you'll be fine, Rosalie," he told her. "She tends to overreact at times."

"This is your adopted daughter?" Carlisle nodded. The prettier nurse smiled at her. She must have been quite stupid not to know who Rosalie was. The whole of Forks knew the Cullen kids.

"I'm sure that you know you're in great hands. Your dad is an excellent doctor." She smiled so sweetly at Carlisle that I would have thrown up, had I been human. Thank Aro that Rosalie never made that ugly face.

As we pulled into the hospital, the nurses lifted my stretcher and carried me out of the back doors. I smirked in delight as I saw Edward, Alice, Jasper and Bella watching me from the hospital entrance. Alice was in hysterics and was whispering something to a worried looking Bella. Rosalie stomped out of the ambulance and pretended to stagger on the road, furious that she wasn't getting the star treatment from the nurses. Had it been other doctors in the ambulance, I was sure that she would have been fussed over even more than I so I didn't feel at all guilty as I sneakily waved at everyone from my throne...stretcher. Edward gave me his Carlisle's-perfect-son look as I was carried past them. I winked at Bella, who like Alice, was now in fits of giggles. She must have had a vision of some kind...


	10. Emmett, Carlisle & Twenty Trainee Nurses

**Emmett POV**

The trainee nurses were observing Carlisle so funnily enough, he couldn't skip my medical examination. Rosalie had got bored ages ago and gone to sit in the waiting room but I was still half-covered in foam and my shirt had been mostly burnt away. Those trainee nurses were having a hard time concentrating on Carlisle, what with my bulging muscles exposed for all to see.

"Emmett, if you could write your name for me please," Carlisle instructed me. I took his pen and scrawled my name on a piece of paper. He nodded and held it up to show the nurses. "If there was any issue with co-ordination or writing, the patient may be in shock or injured in some way." About ten twenty year-old nurses gazed at us in awe.

"Umm, Doctor Cullen, shouldn't we give the patient a copy of this?" One of the nurses held up a pamphlet on fire safety. Carlisle nodded.

"Well done Sophia. Emmett, if you'd like to take a copy of this leaflet from Sophia." I reached out.

"Thanks Sophia, this looks really interesting!" Just the flames on the front cover made me nervous. Next door, in the waiting room, I could hear Jasper and Edward laughing at me. _Shut up mind-reader, _I thought. _You want me to swipe you a leaflet on teenage sex in case you and Bella ever decide to move your relationship past the lips? _Even from Carlisle's room, I could hear his low growl. _Ok, fine. _I told him. _Maybe I'll just tell Bella about the time when you tried to practise snogging on my Vera Lynn cut-out. _A snort came from next-door. _Hey, I thought that she was hot in the thirties! And so did you, by the sounds of it. _

**Jasper POV**

Carlisle came out of the room, surrounded by about fifteen young nurses who were all gazing lustfully at either him or Emmett. I sent waves of lust at Emmett just to...spice up the situation.

"Hey sweetie," Emmett drawled in a strange Texas accent. I thought that I was supposed to be the one from Texas?! Maybe he thought that the accent sounded sexy...

The young nurse giggled and blushed about two million shades of red before burying her face inside _Stop Drop & Roll: Fire Safety _magazine. What a stupid thing to waste paper on. Why cut down the rainforest to publish something that could actually be used as kindling in a fire? Humans were pretty stupid at times. Edward growled.

_Not your stupid human, _I added silently. _For Aro's sake, you act like her father at times._

"Children, Emmett has decided that he needs to stay in overnight," Carlisle told us, in obvious annoyance. Alice stifled a giggle behind a magazine that she'd found in the waiting room; _Fashion For __Idiots. _She had been trying to force Bella to take a look but Bella was more interested in Edward lips than what Alice wanted her to wear.

"Oh poor Emmett!" Alice exclaimed, ever the overreacting sibling. "He's...going to....survive though, right?" I had to admire Carlisle for his never-faltering calm. If I was him, I would have bitten Emmett's head off by now.

"He'll survive." Carlisle replied.

"Maybe we should visit later this evening!" Alice cried. I caught a huge waft of anticipation coming from her. I guessed that she'd had a vision that she couldn't wait to see in action. Edward's mouth twitched upwards in a half-smile. Whatever had almost made him laugh was definitely going to be good.

"Yes, visit me!" Emmett begged, pouting at the nurses for sympathy. They all sighed straight away. Rosalie scowled at him and picked up a leaflet for abstinence. Edward was trying hard not to laugh.

"We'll come back later," Alice promised. "I hope you're still alive, Em."


	11. The Cullen Book of Vampire Records

_Author's Note: Thanks to sprinkledwithtwilight for telling me how much she wanted to hear some more about 'The Cullen Book of Vampire Records' (from my one-shot fic, 'My Brother's Girlfriend') so I've decided to incorporate the records into this story instead. Thanks sprinkledwithtwilight and I'm gonna dedicate this chapter to you for all the reviews, messages and support! xXx Thanks!_

**Jasper POV**

"No, I had a vision that this was going to happen," Alice was explaining to Emmett as we all sat around his hospital bed. Bella had hilariously brought grapes along which Emmett was throwing through the open window and into the hospital room opposite, where they were hitting a puzzled old lady.

"Who wins then?" Emmett asked Alice. "I'm not playing if I lose to your stupid husband."

"Don't tempt me, Em," I warned him. "You know that I could take you if I had to." Emmett shifted himself into a sitting position.

"Bring it bro," he urged me. "I'm not dying too quickly to kick your butt." I snorted.

"Emmett, you're immortal and you're still dying too quickly to kick my butt." Alice high-fived me.

"Nice comeback, Jazzy!" She turned back to Emmett. "Just play. Please."

Rosalie peered behind Alice's back.

"I wanted to have some...alone time with Emmett. Why exactly are you disturbing it, Alice and what for?" I tried to sneak a look at what she was holding behind her but she pushed my head away.

"Sorry Jazzy but I'm blocking my thoughts from Eddie at the moment. I don't want him getting it out of your head." Edward glared at her.

"Is that why you've been imagining Jasper naked all afternoon?" Alice smirked and pinched my butt with her free hand.

"That's not exactly why... and Rosalie to answer your question, this is why we're here tonight."

"I've found it!" Alice told everyone triumphantly. She pulled a huge leather book out. I gasped when I realised what it was. We were definitely going to have fun...or get banned from the hospital for life. "Edward, you're not very good at hiding things, are you?" Edward groaned when he heard what she was planning.

"Alice, I don't think that this is exactly safe with Bella present..." She snorted.

"It's not safe anyway! And besides, if you run home with her, there won't be anyone to keep us under control."

We let Edward consider that thought for a few moments. I knew that he'd stay although he wasn't exactly in the best mood with Em and me at the moment, mainly because we kept on making references to his and Bella's lack of sexual activity. I was going to explode if I had to endure any more of their sexual tension. Eddie had to get some action soon, for everyone's sake.

"What is it, Em? I've got mischief and excitement coming from you..." I tried to work out what he was planning.

"You'll win the first one, Emmett," Alice notified me. "But it's going to be quite close." He grinned at her.

"Thanks, Alice." Emmett loved a bit of healthy competition. Edward was a sucker for winning too. I saw his gleam at the word 'win', quite aside from feeling his sudden need to win at something.

"What is it?" Bella asked. "What's in the book?"

Alice smirked at everyone around the room.

"The Cullen Book of Vampire Records." I announced proudly. Alice, Em and I cheered but Rosalie looked incredulously at us.

"You've gotta be kidding me? I'm missing sex for this?!" Edward glared at her.

"Rose!" he gestured towards Bella. Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Rosalie, could you try NOT to think that. I'd rather not have to see your little fantasies." She growled quietly at him.

"Ummm," Bella interrupted. "But what is The Cullen Book of Vampire Records?" I laughed.

"Otherwise known as The Edward and Carlisle Book of Achievement? Surely you've heard about that?" Bella shook her head.

"I'm surprised that Edward hasn't boasted about his vampire records. I suppose that some of the awards in here aren't exactly favourites of Edward and Carlisle." Alice giggled.

"You could say that," she told Bella. "I'm in there quite a few times."

"What for?" Alice smiled proudly.

"Most Dice Rolls Accurately Predicted. In fact, after about three thousand rolls, Emmett was getting bored so we stopped. But I could have beaten that."

"I won Most Human Food Consumed in One Minute!" Emmett exclaimed loudly. "My finest hour!"

"I timed Most Human Food Consumed in One Minute." Rose sulked. "That was disgusting!"

"What are we doing tonight?" I asked. Alice gave me a look.

"You'll be sitting out. Emmett wins the first one." Edward jumped up to enforce the rules.

"You can't predict who's going to win. You actually have to complete the task, Alice." I rolled my eyes.

"But what's the point? I win!" Emmett cried out.

"You still have to do it properly."

Typical Edward, rules, rules, rules. No wonder he and Bella never got anything done.

"Emmett! You've changed your mind!" Alice cried out, accusingly. He shrugged.

"I win that one. And Eddie is only going to make us do it anyway. So I'm changing my mind."

"I have a new idea!" I cried out, as Emmett and Alice tried to come up with a new record. "Emmett, are you in the mood to get your butt kicked?" Emmett snorted.

"No. But I'm in the mood to kick yours." Alice squealed when she saw my choice.

"Jazzy, I LOVE it! And we might even be able to get Carlisle on board if Edward persuades him that it's purely in the interest of medicine."

"I'm not 'persuading' Carlisle anything," Edward insisted. Emmett glared at him.

"Maybe you should take Bella home," I suggested. "This isn't exactly going to be PG-13 rating, is it?"

"Maybe you should save this for another time." Edward snapped.

"What are we doing then?" Emmett asked. I felt the annoyance coming from Edward so I sent a mixture of lust and calm towards him.

"What is this stupid challenge?" Rosalie demanded.

"Most Human Drugs Consumed!" Alice announced proudly!

"What does it involve?" Emmett asked us. Edward raised an eyebrow.

"Isn't it pretty self-explanatory?" Emmett scowled.

"I just want to make sure that I win, OK?" I held up a hand.

"Alice?"

"I've drawn up a list of rules," Alice announced, stepping forward. "You must consume human drugs until forced to choke them up." Bella gagged.

"That's like vampire torture! You two do this for fun?" Edward smiled at her.

"My brothers, ladies and gentlemen." Alice waved him away dismissively.

"An added point...some vampires have been known to respond negatively to some drugs. In excessive doses, they can have the same effect that they would have upon humans."

"In other words, I'm about to see Emmett stoned?" Bella asked. Even Edward laughed.

"Gimme the drugs!" Emmett yelled. "I wanna go crazy!"

"Too late for that..." I replied as Emmett jumped up and started dancing around, screaming for pills at the top of his voice.


	12. Just Say No

**Just Say No**

**Jasper POV**

Countless boxes, packets and little foil packages of pills later, Emmett was still cramming tiny white tablets into his mouth, consuming about ten at a time.

"These don't tasssste that minging actualllly..." Emmett slurred, as he gulped down yet another mouthful. His golden eyes were three times as wide as usual and his head was flicking vigorously from side to side.

"Hey Alice, you got any more of those blue ones?" I hadn't been very affected by the drugs, unlike Emmett who was licking his lips frantically and motioning at Bella to come closer to him.

"Bellllaa, come heeeere, Belly Bellllls. Your name sounds realllllly weird when I say it like thaaaat..." Emmett burst into a peal of hysterical laughter. Rosalie gave him an 'I-can't-believe-I'm-actually-married-to-you' look and Edward pulled Bella even closer and glared at Alice.

"Alice, are you sure this is safe?" She nodded absent-mindedly, handing out pill after pill to Emmett and me.

"You said vampires respond in the same way as humans?" Bella asked Alice.

"Well, after considerably higher doses," Alice explained. "And just like humans, we all respond with varying...severity. Emmett seems to be reacting quite badly." I smirked proudly.

"Yesss, badly!" Emmett screamed, as he leapt up on to his hospital bed, knocking Rosalie out of the way. "I'm a bad boy and I need to be puniiiished. Rosalie, come and whip me!! Spank me, baby!"

Rosalie grimaced with a disgusted expression on her face.

"I can honestly say that I have never been less turned on by you, including that time that you made out with Edward for ten minutes." Bella looked at Emmett and Edward, shock on her face.

"Edward? What...when was that?!" Edward looked embarrassed.

"It was...down to some of Jasper's talent. He surprised us suddenly one day." Emmett nodded and knocked the clock off the wall with his head.

"Thaaaat was a pretty good snog, Eddiiiiie. Better thaaaaan you get from Bellllllla?"

"Emmett! You swore that we'd never discuss that again! And especially not in public!" Edward turned to Alice. "Pick that clock up. Bella and I are going to get Carlisle. He's on the night shift."

As the Virgin Vampire Extraordinare and his human playmate walked off to find Carlisle, they passed an attractive female nurse who was making her way towards us. Excellent. I saw Alice stifle a giggle; she had obviously seen something.

"Good evening, Mr Cullen?" The nurse seemed to be slightly taken aback when she saw her patient bouncing around his hospital bed with a handful of tablets in his hand. Emmett crammed all of the pills into his mouth, much to the nurse's surprise and Alice managed to hide the remaining drugs in her pocket before anyone else spotted them.

"Bonsoir!" Emmett announced happily, sprang up in the air and let himself fall on the bed. Unfortunately with his strength, the industrial-sized, super-strong hospital bed collapsed beneath him. The nurse's mouth fell open in horror as Emmett, slightly dazed, shook himself out of the sea of metal, springs and torn linen.

"Mr Cullen...are you alright?" she stammered, clasping her hands to her mouth. "I'm dreadfully sorry! That bed must have been in a poor condition."

"No harm done, hey?" Emmett cheerfully announced. "No bones broken, no concussion, penis still in one piece...?" Emmett clapped his hands to his groin and squeezed. "Yep, it's all there! That's the most important part, 'eh Rose?" Emmett winked at Rosalie as the nurse blushed furiously. It fascinated me how humans went red so easily. I decided to send some confidence her way, poor girl.

"No harm done...I suppose that's all that matters. I'm Nurse Leila, by the way." Nurse Leila smiled at him.

"Wonderful to meet you, Leila," Emmett gushed. "And may I say, that uniform makes you look amazing." Nurse Leila blushed again, even with the extra coincidence. What was wrong with this girl?

"Thank you, Mr Cullen. That's very kind of you. Would you like me to find you another room?"

Emmett was not listening to her question at all. He nudged me in the ribs.

"She looks like a stripper, don't you think? Do you think she's got a policewoman friend with those furry handcuffs? Man, I love those things!" I was gasping in horror and poor Leila staggered backwards in shock.

"That's harassment right there, Em," Alice told him. I sent calming waves towards Leila.

"Nurse, I'm dreadfully sorry about my brother. He seems to have reacted badly to some of the drugs."

"That's...perfectly normal..." Nurse Leila spluttered. "Just a reaction..." Emmett winked.

"Na, I was only kidding about the 'cuffs babe. I could snap through those flimsy things in a millisecond!"

"Emmett!" Rosalie hissed. "Stop it! You're embarrassing me!" Emmett looked around and opened his mouth in exaggerated horror.

"What? What?! I could be a stripper Rose! I could so be a stripper!"

With that, Emmett took of his belt and swung it around his head.

"Emmett, that's enough," Alice told him. "Emmett!" I had no intention of stopping him, I was already splitting my sides from trying not to laugh.

"That's right, Ally! I need some music! Let's set the scene a little!" Emmett's iPod was plugged into the speakers beside the ruin of the bed and he flicked through the tracks until he settled on one.

_'I'm bringing sexy back...'_

"Oh yeaaaaah!" Emmett yelled, as he hurled his belt across the room. Luckily Alice caught it before it knocked out a passing old woman, crawling by on a zimmer frame. "Watch me, old lady!" Emmett screamed at the old woman, who turned to see him in time to catch the pulling down of his trousers. Nurse Leila suddenly decided that it was time to intervene and she rushed over to Emmett.

"Mr Cullen, I really do think that perhaps you should..."

"Call me Emmett, BAAAAAABY!" I couldn't resist. I sent lust at Rosalie and she sprang at Emmett straight away, tugging at his boxers.

"Back in the audience, Rosie!" Emmett yelled happily. "It's your turn tonight!"

"Emmett..." Alice couldn't get in a word through her laughter. If she were human, tears would have been pouring down her face.

"_I'm bringing sexy back...'_

"I've brought sexy back!" Emmett sang, very loudly, out of tune and just as Carlisle, Edward and Bella walked into the room to see Rosalie removing Emmett's boxers with her teeth and Nurse Leila grinding with Emmett in time to the 'disgusting, vulgar rap tunes', to use Edward's description.

"Emmett, what is going on here?" Carlisle asked, in his very best calm tone. I could feel how much effort it was taking him. This was perhaps the angriest that he had ever been.

"I'm just having a bit of a dance party here in the hospital daddy!" Emmett explained, drooling at the mouth. That must have been the pills regurgitating themselves.

"I win!" I announced proudly to Alice and Rosalie! "Put it in the book! I'm not gagging yet!"

"Nurse, I think it's time for your break," Carlisle told Nurse Leila. "Edward, take everyone home, Alice, keep Jasper under control. Rosalie, don't even speak to Emmett until I get home and Emmett, I will deal with you tomorrow morning. Until then, don't even thinking about having ANY sexual intercourse. You're banned."

**Emmett POV**

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I want sex!!! Noooooooo! CARLISLE, IT'S NOT FAIR! I WANT SEXUAL INTERCOURSE!"

I took my boxers out of Rosalie's mouth and threw them at Edward. This was all his fault. Stupid Virgin Vampire.

**Author's Note**

**Hi everyone! Happy New Year! I am so sorry that I haven't updated ANYTHING for so long but I've been really busy, then my internet connection completely failed long-term and I only got it back about a week ago! Thanks for all the new reviews that have appeared during my absence- this story is nearing 100 reviews now! **

**I'd like to say a special thank you to SweetlyBroken33 because I saw an email with her review on and I realised that there were still people reading my stories and wanting to hear more! Thanks so much to her for encouraging me to start posting again!**

**Love to all of my reviewers and I may well write the next chapter of this tonight...I have an idea for a good one :)**

**xxx**

**El Leon Y La Oveja **


	13. Alice's Sexual Scale

**Emmett POV**

"Now today, we are going to be discussing the merits of various different types of contraception. During the teenage years, many young people make the important decision to become sexually active and although that's a choice which is down to you, you need to be aware. It's very crucial that you know how to protect yourself." Mr Banner paused for breath. I rolled my eyes. Rosalie was already scowling next to me. We all knew what contraception was used to prevent.

"Mr Banner?" Eric Yorkie stuck his hand up. "I have a...doctor's appointment at twelve so I need to leave early." Alice immediately started shaking with laughter and Edward even tried to suppress a smirk. I looked questioningly at Jasper and he nudged Alice. She began scribbling on a scrap of paper from her notebook.

"That's fine, Eric," Mr Banner replied. "Just remind me when it gets to the time." Lauren sniggered in the row behind us. She'd clearly assumed what Alice had seen and Edward had heard. Jasper slid the note to Rosalie and I with a slight grin on his face.

_Eric's having a slight problem 'getting it to stay up', if you know what I mean ;) _

_Alice x_

I snorted loudly and attempted to turn it into a cough as I glanced at Eric. He was blushing furiously. Mr Banner clapped his hands together.

"Right everyone, let's talk contraception. Anyone want to tell me why we use contraception?" Tyler shoved his hand up as I yawned loudly.

"So that guys won't catch STIs from Lauren?" he smirked. Lauren kicked the back of his chair viciously.

"We both know I caught that from you," she hissed, audible only to Tyler and of course, the vampires in the room. Mr Banner cleared his throat.

"Let's not be rude now, Tyler," he continued. "Preventing STIs is one of the main functions of some types of contraceptions. Can anyone tell me the other one? Miss Swan?" Bella blushed and averted her eyes.

"Pregnancy," she answered, very quietly, probably for Rosalie's benefit. Unfortunately, it didn't stop us Cullens from hearing her and Rosalie winced beside me. I took her hand under the table until Edward glared at me.

Mr Banner nodded.

"Right exactly. Now we're going to watch a video about one young woman who doesn't think that she needs to take precaution." I rolled my eyes again. Honestly, did people think that teenagers were stupid? We all knew the scenario and for five people in the room, the video was a complete waste of time. I signalled towards Jasper and rested my head on the desk. I could always count on my brother to liven things up a little. Plus, I was in huge trouble with Carlisle for my antics in the hospital the previous week and I could do with someone else getting told off to take the heat off me a little.

**Jasper POV**

I watched in total boredom as a teenage girl flirted shamelessly with an older man at a seedy looking bar on screen. Alice was doodling pictures of dresses in her notebook and flashing them at Bella who kept shaking her head. I sent waves of lust around the room, just to see what would happen.

The effect was quite interesting. Six males, including Emmett, jumped up simultaneously holding their crotches and then sat back down, five looking very awkward. Emmett just peered sideways at Rosalie and grinned, nodding his head slightly. Edward shot an evil glance in my direction.

"_Why don't we take this back to my place?" _The girl on the video was clearly a prostitute or a sex addict, otherwise she wouldn't be acting so desperately. I heard Rosalie snort from across the isle.

"As if a man would go for someone as ugly as her," she whispered to Emmett. As the couple on screen stood up, I had a great idea. When Alice saw me make the decision, she gulped back laughter.

"Do it, Jas," she muttered. "I dare you." Edward heard my thoughts but a split second too late. The waves of curiosity were already on their way towards Emmett and he stuck his hand up in the air. Mr Banner sighed and paused the tape.

"Yes, Mr Cullen?" Emmett's inquisitive look was killing Alice. She was trying so hard not to burst out laughing.

"I was just wondering…" Emmett began. Mr Banner nodded.

"Yes?"

"Why has the man on the video got a huge lump in his trousers? He looks like he's shoved a banana down his boxers!" The entire room was rocking with laughter. Mr Banner shifted uncomfortably.

"It's an...uh...it's a...biological response to the female's actions." Confusion waves. Check!

"Yeah, but why do his pants inflate just because the girl is hot?" Rosalie shot daggers at him.

"Mr Cullen, you seem to be rather misinformed upon the subject. Your father is a doctor, perhaps you should discuss this with him tonight."

"I'll do that. Thanks." Alice gave a quiet squeal of laughter next to me.

"Mr Banner is going to bring this up at parent's evening next week," she whispered. "I can't wait to see that!"

The bed on the screen was surprisingly still considering what was supposed to be going on underneath the covers. I could hear some shockingly feeble sounds coming from the couple and after a worryingly short time, they both emerged from the bed, looking flushed and I imagined, entirely unfulfilled. Alice snorted.

"Was that it?" she laughed. "Wow, human sex doesn't look very fun, does it? You'd need at least one vampire for that to reach any sort of level on Alice's Sexual Scale."

"What's all this?" Emmett leaned over. "Alice's Sex Sale?"

"No, you idiot. Alice's Sexual Scale." I rolled my eyes at Emmett as the girl in the video bought a home pregnancy test. I felt waves of jealousy wash over me, coming from Rosalie. After I had sent her some lust, I turned to Emmett.

"Alice rates sex," I explained. He looked incredulous.

"You...you rate sex?!" She burst out laughing.

"What?! It's not like I grade Jasper every morning, you know!" I smirked and Emmett looked horrified.

"You...you two do it every night?" he asked us. I shrugged and Alice merely prolonged her smirk.

"What else is there to do every night?" I replied. "We don't exactly waste time sleeping, or watching each other sleep," I added loudly for the benefit of the Virgin Vamp and his mistress. Emmett looked at Alice curiously.

"What do you rate it on? Or do you just sit at the foot of the bed with a ruler and some duct tape?"

"Duct tape?" I asked. "Do I really want to know?" Emmett shrugged.

"Hey, it's not like I couldn't snap through it if I wanted but Rose and I have had our fun."

"And a ruler?" Alice chimed in. "Do you seriously think that those tiny rulers would be long enough?" I grinned proudly and Emmett frowned.

"Hey, Jas? Can I ask you a brotherly question?" Rosalie glanced around and Emmett turned his back to her. "Sshh for a second, babe."

"What?" I replied. Rosalie was peering suspiciously at me.

"What are you telling him, Emmett?" Emmett leant right across the desk to whisper to me.

"How do you get Alice to have sex every single day?" he questioned. "Because Rose won't do that!" I snorted.

"Nice," I commented. "Maybe she's been taking her cue from Bella." Edward leant across until all three of our heads were crowded over Alice's desk. She batted them away.

"Stop it, Emmett. Edward, what do you want now?"

"Please stop talking about Bella like that," he asked, in an aggravated tone. "I don't care for it. And neither does she." I rolled my eyes.

"How do you get Bella to do stuff with you?" Emmett enquired. "You know, in bed?" Edward's face turned mutinous.

"Emmett, I am not discussing this with you!" Edward hissed. I patted him on the shoulder.

"Bad luck, bro. Good luck with the sex life, or lack of it." Emmett looked pleadingly at Edward.

"Bro, I need your help! Come on, it's just brother to brother!" I decided to help Emmett out by making Edward feel a little more open to revealing.

"Well, Bella's made a few moves on me, implying that she wants to go further but I've stopped her." Bella glanced over towards us.

"Edward!" she whined. "Stop it, Jasper!" I laughed.

"I'm not doing anything," I lied. I sent waves of openness at her and her frown fell away to reveal a smirk.

"Yes, but did you forget to tell them how...excited you got first?" Edward raised his eyebrows mockingly.

"Good luck keeping that one at bay, Edward," I laughed.

"Hey Bella, if you want to, you can look at Alice's Sexual Scale," Alice chirped. "I've got a secret chart in my underwear drawer. It's got details about all the best positions and everything. In fact, I could do you a starter couples session if you want." Emmett shoved up his hand.

"Rose and I will take one of those," he shouted. "Our sex life needs saving, Ally!"

As Mr Banner turned to stare at Emmett, I sent exhaustion waves across the class and one by one, every student in the room fell asleep, aside from the Cullens and Bella, who Edward was supporting. As Eric and Mike dropped out of their chairs and crashed to the floor, I smirked.

"Wow, Mr Banner, I guess that some students just don't appreciate a good sex education lesson anymore," Emmett announced.

And as Mr Banner joined his unconscious class, Emmett held up a diagram and nodded.

"Fancy this one tonight, Rose?"


End file.
